1. MP7 eh, overused and overpowered. Used in way too many commentaries.
2. Using the word "***" might throw of a section of your audience. You ever see the NBA commercial chastising people who use the word gay? That sort of thing, just a suggestion.
3. From the video I'm guessing it was a live commentary, but an extreme amount of pauses where you lost your train of thought and you just filled the time with "uhs".
4. Lines like, "Get the **** out" or "Imma take you down boy" seem forced and don't appear to be the way you usually would react though I could be wrong. Your regular voice sufficed though lol.
Just some suggestions goodluck! It wasn't that bad though.